ok so anti-aging skincare smacked me in the face last july when i was dripping sweat in my queens apartment, radiator banging like it’s december but it’s 90 degrees out. looked in the mirror and saw a line on my forehead that looked like someone etched it with a key. i’m 35?? not 85?? used to just use whatever lotion was on sale at cvs and smell like a piña colada. now i’m out here googling “peptides” at 1am like a loser.
how i got into anti-aging skincare (aka my dumbest mistakes)
4th of july rooftop thing in bushwick. fireworks. tank top. some dude says i look “dewy.” cool. except i knew it was sweat and existential dread. that night i’m on tiktok, fan blowing hot air, order this $60 retinol from sephora. no patch test. wake up looking like a boiled crab. smooth move, ex-lax.
- tried a scrub that felt like sandpaper. face was raw for days.
- bought a $120 cream bc an influencer said it “changed her life.” it’s now a paperweight.
- mom told me to eat kale. i ate kale. still have lines. thanks mom.
the anti-aging skincare stuff that didn’t make me want to die
tested in real life: subway sweat, coffee breath, 3am anxiety scrolls.
serum i actually finish: the ordinary buffet
link — seventeen bucks, no smell, sinks in fast. put it on after shower when mirror’s foggy and my hair looks like a bird’s nest. one pump. NOT three. (learned that when my face turned into a slip-n-slide.) suddenly i don’t look like i hate my job.
moisturizer for lazy nights: cerave pm
grabbed at target on sale. no fragrance, ceramides, whatever that means. slap it on while watching trash tv with chip crumbs on my shirt. coworker asked if i got botox. nope. just $12 cream and spite.
exfoliator that doesn’t make me cry: paula’s choice bha
link — liquid, no beads, just swipe with cotton pad. use at night, wake up not looking like a lizard. don’t mix with retinol unless you want to peel like a snake. (been there.)
random anti-aging skincare hacks i half-remember
- sunscreen even if you’re inside: la roche-posay anthelios link
- eye cream: roc retinol from walgreens. tiny tube, big lies about sleep.
- fridge yogurt + honey mask. smells like feet, works tho.
sometimes i just rinse with cold water and lie to myself.
ok i’m done typing before i spill coffee again
anti-aging skincare won’t make you 25 again. but it stops you from looking like you haven’t slept since obama was president. still got that one line between my brows that shows up when i’m mad. it’s like my face’s mood ring. cool.
try one thing. just one. maybe the cerave. or drink water. i forget that too. tell me what you use in the comments or don’t, i’m not your boss.
