Man, a gluten-free diet guide is basically my diary at this point—started three years ago when a Columbus gastroenterologist shrugged and said “maybe celiac, maybe not, just try it.” I’m standing in my rental kitchen in Dayton right now, 2:47 a.m., barefoot on linoleum that’s probably older than TikTok, staring at a bag of almond flour that cost more than my last bar tab. Like, who charges $14 for ground nuts? Anyway.
Why I Even Bother with This Gluten-Free Diet Guide Nonsense
Look, I’m not some kale-guzzling influencer. I’m the girl who once cried in a Skyline Chili parking lot because the crackers were off-limits. My gut used to stage a full-on riot after Skyline—bloating like I swallowed a basketball, fog brain, the works. First month gluten-free? Accidentally ate a crouton the size of a quarter and spent the night hugging the toilet like it was my emotional support animal. That was my rock-bottom.
My Gluten-Free Diet Guide to Grocery Shopping Without Losing Your Soul
Here’s the hack nobody admits: shop the perimeter first, then sneak the middle aisles like you’re on a heist.
- Produce: Grab whatever’s bruised—cheaper, and the soft apples mash great into gf oatmeal.
- Freezer aisle: Frozen gf raviolis from Feel Good Foods are my 3 a.m. savior. Boil, don’t bake, or they turn into hockey pucks.
- Snack aisle: Simple Mills crackers taste like regret and childhood combined. Stock up during Target Circle weeks.
Pro tip: always sniff the package. If it smells like a high-school gym sock, toss it. Learned that the hard way with a $9 bag of “artisan” gf bread that grew its own ecosystem in 48 hours.
Cooking on the Gluten-Free Diet Guide (aka My Kitchen Disasters)
Last week I tried making gf pizza dough. Recipe said “let rest 30 minutes.” I let it rest 3 hours while doom-scrolling X. Came back to something resembling wet cement. Rolled it anyway—looked like abstract art, tasted like cardboard with feelings. My roommate took one bite, paused, said “…bold choice.” Still ate three slices. That’s love.
The One Pantry Item I Swear By
Xanthan gum. Sounds like a Marvel villain, acts like glue for your sad gf baked goods. ¼ teaspoon per cup of flour and suddenly your cookies don’t crumble into existential despair.
Eating Out: Gluten-Free Diet Guide for People Who Hate Explaining
Server: “Gluten-free?” Me: “Yup, celiac-ish.” Server: blank stare Me: “Bread makes me want to die.” Works 60% of the time. The other 40% I just order salad and cry internally while everyone else gets garlic knots.
The Embarrassing Truth About “Cheat Days”
I don’t cheat. I strategically sabotage. Last month? Drove 40 minutes to a rumored gf donut food truck. Waited in sleet. Got a maple bacon donut. Took one bite. Tasted like sweetened spackle. Threw the rest at a dumpster and yelled “FALSE ADVERTISING” like a lunatic.
Final Gluten-Free Diet Guide Ramble
Three years in, my stomach’s quieter, my jeans fit, and I can spell “quinoa” without autocorrect trauma. Still miss Skyline crackers. Still flinch when someone offers me a “just one bite” of birthday cake. But last night I made gf cinnamon rolls that didn’t suck, and my roommate high-fived me with flour-dusted hands. Small wins.
Outbound Links: Gluten Intolerance Group (GIG) Restaurant Cards
