Going vegan hit me like a rogue shopping cart in the Aldi parking lot last spring. I was hungover, smelling like regret and hoagie oil, when Kyle—my annoyingly glowy vegan friend—bet me $20 I wouldn’t last three days. Spoiler: I’m still here, but my bank account and pride took a beating. Anyway, here’s the hot mess express from my kitchen in central Jersey, where the Keurig just hissed at me like it knows my sins.
Why I Even Bothered Going Vegan (It Wasn’t For The Gram)
Wasn’t some spiritual awakening, okay? I just got tired of my jeans staging a coup. Plus, my For You page wouldn’t stop serving me oat milk thirst traps. First going vegan shop? Dropped $92 at ShopRite and forgot eggs weren’t vegan till I was cracking them into brownie mix at 1am. Facepalmed so hard I left a mark.
Protein Panic: Or How I Almost Became a Cautionary Tale
Everyone and their uncle screams “wHeRe’S yOuR pRoTeIn???” like I’m gonna turn into a noodle. Tried a vegan protein shake in my car outside LA Fitness—tasted like if grass had a midlife crisis. Now I just inhale chickpeas like they owe me money. Going vegan protein hacks that don’t suck:
- Black beans + corn tortillas = cheap, fills the void
- Seitan if you’re brave (tastes like spicy rubber bands, 10/10)
- Side effect: my bathroom now hosts the Olympics of flatulence
Tracked every gram for two weeks straight. Then I ate an entire jar of peanut butter and called it balance.
Social Landmines When You’re Going Vegan in Meat Country
Brought my sad little vegans burger to my cousin’s graduation party. Aunt Teresa tried to “fix” it with a slice of provolone. I smiled through the pain, hid in the garage, and stress-ate pretzels dipped in hummus I found in my purse. Going vegans at cookouts? Pack snacks or prepare to explain nutritional yeast to drunk uncles.
The Tailgate That Almost Broke Me
Tailgating for Rutgers, everyone’s got wings, I’ve got a soggy Beyond sausage. Some dude in a Scarlet Knights jersey asks if I’m “one of them vegetarians.” I mumbled something about B12 and chugged a seltzer. The sausage fell in the dirt. I ate it anyway. Don’t @ me.
The Gross Stuff Nobody Posts About Going Vegan
- Poop roulette. Sometimes it’s fine, sometimes it’s a war crime.
- Got anemia vibes—turns out skipping supplements is dumb. Spun out in the Target candle aisle.
- Dreamed I was drowning in almond milk. Woke up sweaty.
Also, going vegans turned me into that friend for like a week. I lectured my barista about dairy cross-contamination. I’m sorry, Sarah.
Budget Hacks from a Former Taco Bell Addict
Trader Joe’s frozen vegans section is my therapist. Cauliflower gnocchi? Yes please. Going vegans doesn’t mean bankruptcy—just eat beans, rice, and whatever produce is on sale. Made “mac n cheese” with butternut squash and nutritional yeast. Looked like baby food, tasted like childhood. Lazy rotation:
- Tacos with lentil-walnut crumble (weirdly good)
- Stir-fry where broccoli is the main character
- Oatmeal with PB and banana—breakfast of broke champs
Wait, Going Vegan Didn’t Fix My Personality
Thought I’d become a zen garden fairy. Nope. Still yell at Alexa, still late on rent. But my blood pressure’s down, and I haven’t needed Tums since 2024. Going vegans didn’t save my soul—just my arteries and maybe a cow or two.
So Like… Try Going Vegan or Nah?
Start small, screw up big, laugh about it. Ditch dairy for one day. Burn some tofu. It’s just food, not a TED Talk. Going vegan is messy, human, occasionally smells like farts.
Outbound Link:
Vegan Society for facts sans fluff
Forks Over Knives recipes that don’t require 47 ingredients
Budget Bytes vegan cuz I’m still cheap
