Paleo diet benefits hit me like a rogue shopping cart in Aldi parking lot last spring when I couldn’t button my “good” jeans anymore. I’m talking the ones I wore to my cousin’s wedding in 2019, now laughing at me from the drawer. Anyway, I’m hunched over my laptop in my Columbus apartment—cat yelling for wet food, coffee cold, stomach doing somersaults from last night’s Taco Bell run—and I’m like, enough. Swapped it all for meat and leaves and honestly? My body’s been sending me thank-you notes in the form of actual energy.
Paleo Diet Benefits for Energy (No More 2pm Zombie Mode)
Used to chug Monster energy like it was my job. Like, two cans before noon, hands shaking, heart doing the Macarena. Now? I wake up at 6am—voluntarily—and hike the Scioto trail without cursing humanity. Cooked some eggs in duck fat this morning (yeah duck fat, don’t judge) and felt like I could bench press my Honda.
- no more sugar crashes that make me cry in target parking lots
- sleep like a rock, wake up without an alarm (who even am i)
- sex drive? revived. wife thought i was possessed.
Paleo Diet Benefits for My Gut (TMI Alert, Sorry Not Sorry)
Okay so. I used to be that guy at parties. The one who’d disappear for 20 minutes and come back pale. Gluten was my kryptonite but I was in denial—kept eating pizza like it was my emotional support carb. Cut the grains and boom, two weeks in my bathroom trips went from war crimes to… normal? Bone broth tasted like hot dishwater at first, gagged into the sink, but now I sip it like tea when I’m hungover.
pro tip: start with store-bought broth unless you wanna smell like a soup factory for days.
Paleo Diet Benefits at Parties (Read: Pure Chaos)
Took my Tupperware of chicken thighs to my buddy’s Fourth of July grill-out. Everyone’s slamming beers and brats, I’m gnawing on celery like a depressed rabbit. Someone offered me a brownie and I almost caved—had it in my hand, frosting on my thumb, then remembered the migraine from last time. Dropped it like it was cursed.
- bring backup snacks or die on the hill of hunger
- “i’m paleo” = instant conversation ender or lecture starter, pick your poison
- found one other caveman at the party, we bonded over jerky like war veterans
Paleo Diet Benefits I Didn’t See Coming (The Freaky Stuff)
- my skin? legit glowing. coworker asked if i got botox. told her i just stopped eating bread.
- brain fog lifted. remembered my mom’s birthday without facebook reminding me.
- smell everything now. walked past a panera and nearly wept. bread smells like betrayal.
Paleo Diet Benefits: My Dumb Mistakes (Because I’m Human Garbage)
Week one: ate three avocados in one sitting thinking “fat = good.” spent the night on the toilet praying for mercy. Also tried “paleo pancakes” with almond flour—tasted like wet cardboard, cried into my coffee. learned sweet potatoes aren’t unlimited just cause they’re “paleo approved.” gained four pounds in tubers. classic.
here’s science so you don’t think i’m just ranting: harvard study on grain-free diets and inflammation (or whatever, google it).
Paleo Diet Benefits: Final Ramble Before I Go Eat Bacon
look, paleo diet benefits turned my bloated, tired, cranky ass into… this. still snack on 90% dark chocolate at 1am sometimes. still forget to drink water and get headaches. but my jeans fit, my gut’s quiet, and i don’t hate mirrors anymore.
try it for two weeks. hide the goldfish crackers at your mom’s house first. your farts will thank you. your energy will slap. tell me your worst paleo fail in the comments—i need to feel less alone.
(also ohio peeps, there’s a butcher in german village with grass-fed ribeyes that’ll ruin you for grocery store meat forever. you’re welcome.)
Outbound Link: “Paleo Diet Benefits: My Dumb Mistakes” section, right after the Harvard mention)
