HIIT workouts are the only reason I didn’t throw my scale out the window last month, and I’m still processing that sentence. Typing this in my South Jersey basement where the dehumidifier sounds like a dying lawnmower—November humidity is undefeated—and my left hamstring is sending me hate mail from yesterday’s session. The coffee I spilled on my keyboard this morning is making the spacebar sticky, perfect metaphor for how HIIT workouts feel at 6am.
Why HIIT Workouts Didn’t Make Me Quit Like Literally Everything Else
I’ve ghosted more fitness trends than exes. Peloton? Sold it during the pandemic. OrangeTheory? Too culty. But HIIT workouts somehow fit between doomscrolling X and pretending to care about my 9am standup. The whole “afterburn” thing—EPOC, I think?—means I’m burning calories while stress-eating leftover Halloween candy in the Acme parking lot. Lost 14 pounds without quitting IPA, which feels like cheating the system.
My smartwatch keeps flexing with these “personal record” badges like it’s my mom. Kinda motivating, mostly annoying.
My Dumb HIIT Workouts Routine (That I Haven’t Skipped In 27 Days)
The routine I stole from some Australian YouTuber at 3am—don’t @ me:
- Warmup (3 mins): Jumping jacks while yelling at Siri to play something that isn’t my wife’s true crime podcasts.
- The actual pain (20s work/10s rest):
- Burpees (still my nemesis)
- Mountain climbers (knees sound like bubble wrap)
- High knees (I look like a malfunctioning Roomba)
- Squat jumps (my downstairs neighbor moved out, coincidence?)
- 8 rounds because Tabata said so.
I do this in my garage that smells like hockey bags and broken dreams. The 10-second breaks are when I remember I’m 38 and question my life choices.
HIIT Workouts Mistakes That Should’ve Landed Me In The ER
Day 9 I thought “let’s double it” and did morning + evening sessions. Ended up fetal on the mat whispering “tell my family I loved them” while my Fitbit thought I flatlined. Also learned that HIIT workouts + three tacos = projectile regret. The Zoom call where I burped mid-presentation? Career highlight.
Pro tip: don’t wear slippery socks. Or do, the bruises make great conversation starters.
How HIIT Workouts Turned Me Into That Guy (Sorry)
I’m wearing 2018 jeans again and it’s weirdly emotional. My resting heart rate went from “call 911” to “maybe don’t” according to the watch that now controls my self-worth. Chased the mailman three blocks last week without dying—progress.
The abs are… there? Kinda? Like, if I angle the bathroom light just right and suck in strategically.
Your HIIT Workouts Launch Pad (From A Certified Mess)
Start microscopic. I did 5-minute sessions week one because 20 felt like a hate crime against my lungs. Track something—how your belt notches move, how many flights of stairs don’t leave you praying. The ACSM’s HIIT guidelines saved my form from total disaster.
Find your stupid reason. Mine was fitting into concert tees before they become vintage. Whatever drags you back when your bed is winning.
Anyway I’m gonna go do HIIT workouts before the school bus drops off chaos incarnate. Try it for five days. Worst case you hate me and have content for therapy. Best case you’ll understand why I’m weirdly proud of my burpee calluses.
(Real talk: this meta-analysis on HIIT fat loss lives rent-free in my brain. Printed it, highlighted the good parts, ignored the parts about “consult your doctor” because I’m an adult… technically.)
What’s your current excuse for skipping HIIT workouts? Lie to me in the comments—I’ll call bullshit and send you my playlist that’s 40% nostalgia, 60% delusion.
Outbound Links:
- The ACSM’s HIIT guidelines — legit saved my knees from self-destructing.
- This 2019 meta-analysis on HIIT vs. steady-state — the one I printed and stuck next to the fridge pizza menu.
- Tabata’s original study — because I’m that guy who name-drops the OG at parties now.
